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“All you need is love.” – The Beatles

If it were that easy, no one would go to couples counseling, buy books about relationships, or read this article.

But why are relationships so hard? 

In over 10 years of helping men get and keep the woman they want, I had plenty of opportunities to counsel my clients and their girlfriends (or wives). When a relationship wasn’t working, I saw the same patterns repeatedly. 

To save you tons of frustration and your relationship, I’ll show you the top 5 reasons why relationships are so hard.

And how to fix those 5 sources of conflicts so you can stop arguing and turn back time to when you first met and couldn’t keep your hands from each other. 

Let’s go: 

Reason #1: You picked the wrong partner

Not all relationships are built to last.

You might not want to hear this, but it’s a fact. Otherwise, 50% of all marriages wouldn’t end up in divorce. Those divorced guys could have saved time, money, and frustration if they had left the relationship early on.

Relationships are hard no matter who you’re with. But if you’re stuck with the wrong partner, it’s like traveling across the world on a tricycle.

Wouldn’t traveling in a private jet be easier?

If you ask me, I take a private jet over a tricycle anytime.

So how do you pick the right partner? 

First of all, you need to be attracted to her. But that’s just the starting point.

Second, you need to make sure you’re on the same page about life. 

What do I mean?

Alex and Leila Hormozi – a happily married couple who run a 100 million-dollar business together – explain quite well the qualities you should look for in a long-lasting partner:

Quality #1: Does she share the same values as you?

In other words, does she share the same beliefs as you? 

Quality #2: Does she share the same goals as you?

For example, do you want kids? 

If you don’t, but she does, it will become a huge problem in the future, leading to a breakup. 

Quality #3: Do you share the same lifestyle?

Basically, do you enjoy the same things? 

It is much easier if you have shared hobbies. Then you won’t feel like you must do something against your will only because she likes it.

Having a partner on your site with all these qualities will make your relationship feel easier and more enjoyable.

But sadly, most relationships are following this path instead:

1. You find her attractive, so you ask her out
2. You start seeing each other, and you can’t keep your fingers off her
3. The passion fades away
4. You both realize you don’t have much in common
5. But you both stick it out because it’s better than being alone 
6. Eventually, one of you guys cannot take it anymore and will cheat or break up

Or even worse, you both suffer in silence and resent each other. 

Breaking up is the best option if you’re in a relationship like this. 

I know it sounds harsh, and I know it won’t be easy. But you’ll do her and yourself a huge favor. Because now you’re both free to find someone else. There are plenty of women much better suited for you. And they cannot wait to be asked out by you. 

You might not realize it because you can’t spot the signs a woman is sexually attracted to you. 

Reason #2: You take each other for granted

Do you believe in unconditional love? 

Let me rephrase it. 

Would you stay with her if she…

• Puts on 130 pounds (60 Kg)
• Stops brushing her teeth
• Stops shaving her legs
• Stops showering

And wears smelly clothes full of food stains?

I guess your answer is NO. 

If I ask her the same question, would she answer differently?

Still, many guys “let themselves go” in a relationship. I get it, you feel safe, so you put on a few pounds. No need to be attractive anymore since your girls-chasing days are over. 

And it’s not only the guys who do this. Women act the same way in a relationship. 

The only problem is what starts out as just a few pounds can quickly get to the point where she doesn’t find you attractive anymore. And vice versa. The issue is you simply take each other for granted. Thinking you’ll be with each other no matter what.

But if you answered my above question with no, you saw first-hand that unconditional love is a myth. 

So how can you avoid taking each other for granted?

Adapt the mindset: “We need to fight for each other every day.” 

With this mindset, you both will put in the necessary work to maintain a happy relationship. 

Reason #3: You don’t communicate with each other

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

It’s a famous book by relationship counselor John Gray. In his book, he describes how men and women communicate differently. You probably know what he is talking about. She says one thing but means something completely different.

Leaving you confused to ask yourself: “What does she want?”

But despite our differences, both genders want the same things. I’ve experienced it time and time again whenever I had to do couples counseling.

In the end, the top three things both genders want are:

• Respect
• Being heard
• Appreciation

I give you two examples so you can see for yourself: 

Example #1: He works hard to provide. He keeps the stress to himself because he doesn’t want to burden her. But he now has less free time. All he wants to hear is: “Thank you for the sacrifice you’re making for us.”

Instead, she complains he is working too much. 

Example #2: She comes home from work and is tired. All she wants is to rest. Still, she makes dinner. She wants to care for him and show him how much he means to her. But he comes home, eats the dinner she prepared, and doesn’t say a thing. 

She only wants to hear: “Thank you. I know how tired you are. It’s delicious.”

If you want to put a smile on her face, think of all the small things she does for you and just, say thank you.

Reason #4: You don’t work on keeping the passion alive 

Passion fades.

In the beginning, you both can’t keep your fingers off each other. A few years into the relationship, most men are lucky if they get sex on their birthdays. It’s normal for passion to fade, but it doesn’t need to die. And even if it’s dead, you can still bring it back to life. 

But you need to make a conscious effort.

You cannot just stand by and do nothing.

The fastest way to get the passion back is by creating sexual tension.

Think of sexual tension as a push-up brah and make-up for men.

How do you create sexual tension in a relationship?

You can utilize the Power Of Distance to trigger sexual tension. 

Famous psychotherapist and best-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Esther Perell, says familiarity is the #1 attraction killer in any long-term relationship. 

She suggests giving each other space to miss one another. 

For example, you can:

• Take separate trips
• Spend time apart every day
• You even might want to try to sleep in different rooms

And to avoid familiarity in the bedroom, some things you can do are:

• Roleplay
• Sex in unfamiliar places
• Trying out new positions

Besides creating sexual tension, if you want to keep the fire alive in your relationship, you must ensure she respects you as a MAN. 

There are multiple ways to earn her respect, but you can start by:

• Setting goals for yourself, no matter how small (losing 3 pounds) 
• Not giving up when things don’t go your way
• Staying humble when you achieve your goal 

They all will show her you’re a confident man she can respect. 

Reason #5: You don’t speak the same Love Language 

There are 5 Love Languages.

No, I’m not talking about French or Italian. I’m talking about a framework from world-renowned couple therapist Dr. Gary Chapman. He suggests there are 5 Love Languages. In other words, there are 5 different ways people express love. And this causes many relationship conflicts because you and her might not speak the same love language. 

The 5 Love Languages are:

1. Gift Giving
2. Quality Time
3. Physical Touch
4. Acts of Service
5. Words of Affirmation (Saying: “I love you”)

Most women tend to express love either through words or physical touch.

And most men show it through gift-giving or acts of service. 

If you’re dating an introvert, she most likely expresses her love by spending quality time with you. She would rather be alone to recharge after a hard day’s work. But she makes a sacrifice to be with you. 

Knowing how your partner shows love will make you aware of how much she truly loves you. And you can express your love in a Love Language she understands. 

She’ll appreciate it a lot. 

Your Efficient Dating Advisor,

Herman The German

Bio: 

Herman The German

This article was written by our guest expert Herman the German.

He used to be a banker in a top investment firm, who turned his pattern recognition and cold analysis skills into a way to help men with their dating and love life.

He invented the Efficient Dating Systems Made in Germany and is sharing his recent discoveries on www.becomeherman.com