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The modern dating world is complex, much more complicated than it once was. You could say online dating and social media have made finding romantic connections easier, especially when a feed full of hopeful matches sits literally at your fingertips. However, you could argue that online dating has transformed the dating world for the worse.
It’s become effortless and often convenient to dispose of connections just as they’re developing, forgetting that they ever existed. Given social media’s significant influence on modern relationships, it raises the question of whether it has also changed how we perceive dating and the people we choose to connect with. When you feel burnt out from the countless failed dates and finding the right person seems increasingly difficult, meeting someone who feels worth the wait can be incredibly exciting. However, fear of losing that connection can make us overly attached and desperate to make the relationship work at all costs. Before we realize it, our passion for love and closeness can quickly turn into clinginess or emotional dependence, ultimately pushing away the very person we want to keep close. In this article, we will explore why you get attached before you really know someone, with practical tips for managing emotional investment too soon.
What Causes Attachment In Relationships
There are several reasons we can become overly reliant on our partners or someone we’re exploring a relationship with, and it can happen at the very beginning of a relationship or after several years.
In emerging relationships, attachment can feel more concerning, especially when you’ve had little time to get to know each other. Yet, you feel emotionally invested and obsessed with the idea of being with them. This can be described as the Halo effect, when our brains use one positive trait we’ve seen to fill in gaps in their personality with other positive traits. Of course, you’ll become attached when you’re convinced this person could be everything you’ve ever wanted. Early interactions with a new person are often exciting and intriguing, and even though you have no idea what the future might hold, you thrive on the mystery and the idea of what it could be.
People also often get attached early in relationships because of unresolved insecurities and a need for validation. They may have experienced emotionally damaging past relationships and are cautious about making the same mistakes.
How To Know When You Might Be Attached To Someone Too Soon
If you’re wondering whether you’ve become too emotionally attached to someone you’re getting to know, look out for these key behavioral traits. Here are a few examples:
Your mood can be influenced by how much attention they give you.
Even when you’re enjoying time with family and friends, your mood can change drastically depending on whether the relationship is progressing well or they’re giving you the attention you want.
You ignore red flags and focus only on the positives.
You might overlook disrespectful behavior or comments and consistently make excuses for their mistakes.
You prioritize them over others and yourself.
Of course, it’s normal to want to make a good first impression on someone you’re building a relationship with, and prioritizing them over other commitments is a clear way to do that. It can be concerning if you repeatedly choose them over family and friends, or if you put them first but don’t get the same in return.
You seek validation and security regularly.
You feel the need to check whether they’re happy and like you as much as you like them, even after they’ve told you or shown you how they feel. You may also get jealous or protective easily, and worry about losing the relationship at the slightest change in behavior.
How To Take Control of Feeling Attached to Someone Before You Really Know Them
Reach out to others for emotional support.
Relying on someone for all your emotional support can leave you disappointed when they can’t meet your needs. Reaching out to family and friends instead of relying on someone you’re just getting to know prevents you from becoming over-reliant on them.
Organize In-Person Dates
The quickest way to get to know someone is to meet them in person and spend time together. This avoids miscommunication over text messages, which can often create a false impression of who they are.
Be Mindful of Your Thoughts and Behaviors
It’s natural to worry or panic about a relationship failing. However, recognizing these thoughts and taking a moment to stop, breathe, and analyze them can help you rationalize your fears. Each time your mind races with thoughts and confusion, write down your emotions, the evidence that supports your thoughts, and the evidence that contradicts them. This can help you view the situation from a more balanced perspective and respond with logic rather than emotion.
Becoming attached to someone before you really know who they are can be dangerous for both you and the relationship you hope to build. Although your first few months together should feel exciting and optimistic about what the future may hold, take every decision seriously. In long-distance relationships especially, the desire to be together can sometimes force people to make significant financial or personal commitments, from spending money on travel to considering relocating to another country. Even if you feel ready to take the next step, there may be practical considerations to address, including meeting the eligibility requirements for a spouse visa in the UK or other relevant relocation routes.
Getting attached isn’t necessarily the problem. The important thing is learning to distinguish between the person you’re actually getting to know and the future you’re already imagining together.
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